As I sit here, thinking back to my
childhood and the words that have been playing in my head for two
days on a constant loop, I feel like this is all a dream and if I
don't talk about it, maybe it won't happen. Maybe this is all just a
really bad dream and i'll wake up and everything will be okay.
Two days ago I found out in the worst way (at least to me at the time), that my grandma's breast cancer came back. This time it's overtaken her lungs and liver. I don't even remember what I was doing, but I got a text from my friend asking if I heard about my grandma. I told them that I just talked to her but I don't know what they mean. Then they proceeded to tell me that she has breast cancer and only has three to six months to live.
So of course I told them to stop lying to me and that our friendship is over if they are lying. I called my grandma and she said it was true. That she was hoping to tell me before someone else did. But she told me she accepted it and that I shouldn't be sad. Right now, I guess I am in denial. That she won't die if I don't become okay with this or if I don't talk about it. Foolish, I know.
Recently we started talking every day. Mainly I call her with random thoughts or questions. It really hit me tonight that soon I won't be able to do that anymore. Every time I have a question about anything I ask her, not my mom. And now when she goes, I won't have anyone to talk to about the random things I think about.
She's been like a third mom to me (my birth mom is out of my life and my dad remarried so I have a second mom) since I was ten years old, I lived with her till my seventeenth birthday before moving back in with my step mom and dad. I have so many memories of those years I spent with her. A lot of little things. But i've been told that it's the little things that matter.
I'm just trying to accept this like she has, but I have no idea how to start. I guess it's true that you never realize what you have till it's gone. But she's not gone. She's still here for as long as her cancer lets her. But I realize now how badly I treated her in those years I lived with her. And I can't take it back. I just have to learn to deal with it. Things got a lot better near the end of the time I lived with her, but it never really got better until I moved away, then moved back after graduation and got married. Then I had a traumatic experience and since then we've talked daily.
This is just so hard. I can't seem to stop being upset. And I know I only learned about it a few days ago, but at the same time, I feel like I won't ever be able to get over losing her. We've been through a lot together when I lived with her and even when I moved back and the things I went through, she was there. I really wish she could be okay again and stay around for a long time. I'm really gonna miss her. More than anyone knows. I love you, grandma.
Two days ago I found out in the worst way (at least to me at the time), that my grandma's breast cancer came back. This time it's overtaken her lungs and liver. I don't even remember what I was doing, but I got a text from my friend asking if I heard about my grandma. I told them that I just talked to her but I don't know what they mean. Then they proceeded to tell me that she has breast cancer and only has three to six months to live.
So of course I told them to stop lying to me and that our friendship is over if they are lying. I called my grandma and she said it was true. That she was hoping to tell me before someone else did. But she told me she accepted it and that I shouldn't be sad. Right now, I guess I am in denial. That she won't die if I don't become okay with this or if I don't talk about it. Foolish, I know.
Recently we started talking every day. Mainly I call her with random thoughts or questions. It really hit me tonight that soon I won't be able to do that anymore. Every time I have a question about anything I ask her, not my mom. And now when she goes, I won't have anyone to talk to about the random things I think about.
She's been like a third mom to me (my birth mom is out of my life and my dad remarried so I have a second mom) since I was ten years old, I lived with her till my seventeenth birthday before moving back in with my step mom and dad. I have so many memories of those years I spent with her. A lot of little things. But i've been told that it's the little things that matter.
I'm just trying to accept this like she has, but I have no idea how to start. I guess it's true that you never realize what you have till it's gone. But she's not gone. She's still here for as long as her cancer lets her. But I realize now how badly I treated her in those years I lived with her. And I can't take it back. I just have to learn to deal with it. Things got a lot better near the end of the time I lived with her, but it never really got better until I moved away, then moved back after graduation and got married. Then I had a traumatic experience and since then we've talked daily.
This is just so hard. I can't seem to stop being upset. And I know I only learned about it a few days ago, but at the same time, I feel like I won't ever be able to get over losing her. We've been through a lot together when I lived with her and even when I moved back and the things I went through, she was there. I really wish she could be okay again and stay around for a long time. I'm really gonna miss her. More than anyone knows. I love you, grandma.
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