There are many things I could say on this topic but I found an article that says it perfectly. I know I've been posting links a lot lately but I really hope you enjoy this one!!
http://www.themanyfacesofic.com/what-its-like-to-live-with-ic/
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Random Song - Dermot Whelan and Dave Moore
Figured I'd add a random video and give your eyes a break from all my thoughts lately. Hope you enjoy! Let me know if you'd like to see any more videos or have any ideas of what you'd like to see posted!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
There IS Hope
I myself have known what it feels like to have no one. To feel all alone. That no one cares about me or how I feel. I am a survivor of suicide and depression. Please don't give up. Be strong. There will ALWAYS be someone there for you.
At the time when I was at my lowest point in life, when I thought the only thing to do was end my life because I was just a troublemaker, that I would never amount to anything, that the only way to make everyone happy was if I was gone forever, etc. I was listening to the radio and suddenly this talk show comes on.
This guy comes on and he accepts calls from anyone who may need help about any topic. He says he's not a licensed therapist but he does all he can to help those who call. They also have licensed therapists and counselors waiting to talk to you about anything and try to get you the help you need. They helped me a ton at that point in my life. I remember sitting in my room just crying. Trying to figure out what the point of my life was anymore. I ended up calling the show and just breaking down. I talked to a trained professional about everything that was on my mind for over four hours. I never expected for anyone to actually listen and talk me through everything that was going on. But they did. After four hours I hung up the phone and just cried. Realizing how close I had come to ending it all over things that I thought were so big at the time. I know its kind of a cheesy thing to say but this radio show saved my life. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't heard that show that night. I am how five years older and I couldn't be happier in my life right now. I feel so blessed some days its unreal. Feels almost like a dream.
Please, if you feel like there is no hope, that you feel like everything is falling apart, please talk to someone. Anyone. Your friend, family, your priest or bishop. Your old grade school teacher. Someone.
I am always here also. Feel free to email me or comment your email and I will reply as soon as possible. Just know there IS hope. Things WILL get better. I know because I have been there. I Struggled with suicide and depression for years before I realized how much life had to offer. And sometimes it knocks you down but eventually you get up, you dust yourself off and you walk away stronger then you were.
" Those listening to the show will hear Dawson encouraging listeners to call TheHopeLine during the live show. Every month, thousands of teens and young adults take the opportunity to talk with a HopeCoach at TheHopeline. HopeCoaches are trained volunteers that listen and offer encouragement and a different perspective to the issue the person is facing. At the end of the call a HopeCoach will offer the caller an approved partner professionally trained to counsel and or offer tangible support within the callers’ trouble area. Due to the partnerships we have established, we are able to offer real hope and ongoing support that can continue for weeks or even years depending upon the need and desire of the caller"
http://www.thehopeline.com/
At the time when I was at my lowest point in life, when I thought the only thing to do was end my life because I was just a troublemaker, that I would never amount to anything, that the only way to make everyone happy was if I was gone forever, etc. I was listening to the radio and suddenly this talk show comes on.
This guy comes on and he accepts calls from anyone who may need help about any topic. He says he's not a licensed therapist but he does all he can to help those who call. They also have licensed therapists and counselors waiting to talk to you about anything and try to get you the help you need. They helped me a ton at that point in my life. I remember sitting in my room just crying. Trying to figure out what the point of my life was anymore. I ended up calling the show and just breaking down. I talked to a trained professional about everything that was on my mind for over four hours. I never expected for anyone to actually listen and talk me through everything that was going on. But they did. After four hours I hung up the phone and just cried. Realizing how close I had come to ending it all over things that I thought were so big at the time. I know its kind of a cheesy thing to say but this radio show saved my life. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't heard that show that night. I am how five years older and I couldn't be happier in my life right now. I feel so blessed some days its unreal. Feels almost like a dream.
Please, if you feel like there is no hope, that you feel like everything is falling apart, please talk to someone. Anyone. Your friend, family, your priest or bishop. Your old grade school teacher. Someone.
I am always here also. Feel free to email me or comment your email and I will reply as soon as possible. Just know there IS hope. Things WILL get better. I know because I have been there. I Struggled with suicide and depression for years before I realized how much life had to offer. And sometimes it knocks you down but eventually you get up, you dust yourself off and you walk away stronger then you were.
" Those listening to the show will hear Dawson encouraging listeners to call TheHopeLine during the live show. Every month, thousands of teens and young adults take the opportunity to talk with a HopeCoach at TheHopeline. HopeCoaches are trained volunteers that listen and offer encouragement and a different perspective to the issue the person is facing. At the end of the call a HopeCoach will offer the caller an approved partner professionally trained to counsel and or offer tangible support within the callers’ trouble area. Due to the partnerships we have established, we are able to offer real hope and ongoing support that can continue for weeks or even years depending upon the need and desire of the caller"
http://www.thehopeline.com/
Monday, October 20, 2014
15 Things NOT To Say To Someone With A Chronic Or Invisible Illness
I figured that since I posted a while ago about "What people with Chronic Illness DO want to hear." that I would post '15 things NOT to say to someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness."
Enjoy!
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/
Enjoy!
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/
15
Things Not to Say to Someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness - See
more at:
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/#sthash.7n15gYP8.dpuf
15
Things Not to Say to Someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness - See
more at:
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/#sthash.7n15gYP8.dpuf
15
Things Not to Say to Someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness - See
more at:
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/#sthash.7n15gYP8.dpuf
15
Things Not to Say to Someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness - See
more at:
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/#sthash.7n15gYP8.dpuf
15
Things Not to Say to Someone with a Chronic or Invisible Illness - See
more at:
http://asweetlife.org/feature/15-things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness-or-invisible-illness/#sthash.7n15gYP8.dpuf
I'm Not Her
Every time I look in the mirror, I turn away from my reflection. Her face stares at me, trying to mold me into who she is. The person I see each time I look in the mirror is someone I swore I would never be. That person is my biological mother.
I'll save you the frustrations of me and my mom's sob story/my childhood story. They are not worth recounting or even remembering.
She's so far from the person I thought she was that I've come to hate her. I thought maybe after all these years that she had changed, that she wanted me with her. Turns out she only wanted me so she could try and mold me into her 'baby girl" that she left so long ago.
If I could write a letter to her it would start something like this. "I may look like you, but I will never be like you..."
I'll save you the frustrations of me and my mom's sob story/my childhood story. They are not worth recounting or even remembering.
She's so far from the person I thought she was that I've come to hate her. I thought maybe after all these years that she had changed, that she wanted me with her. Turns out she only wanted me so she could try and mold me into her 'baby girl" that she left so long ago.
If I could write a letter to her it would start something like this. "I may look like you, but I will never be like you..."
Sunday, October 19, 2014
You Don't Know Me
Most people when asked how well they know me, will say my favorite colors, my favorite band or favorite food. But when it comes to how well they REALLY know me and my life, most will just shrug and look away. You may think you know who i am, but really, no one does. Not the "sick" part anyway. Since I got sick, I've kind of become a shut in. Rarely leaving my house, stopped being social, stopped answering texts and phone calls.
And I know its stupid to some people to think of myself as "The Sick Girl" but when your diagnosed with chronic pain and other things and it hurts just to get out of bed, it slowly gets that way.
No one really knows what to say when they find out I am still having severe pain or that I'm not getting better. And its even worse when they first find out I am ill. Most of them throw out things like "I'm sorry," and "I'm always there if you need me." but we both know they are just empty words. For most people anyway. They may want to help but when it comes down to me needing them for something, they make excuses or just ignore me because they don't know how to handle the sick girl.
Sad, but true.
Even my parents aren't very considerate of me and my feelings. They tell people what their version of my sickness is. That since I stopped going to church and started smoking and married outside the temple that that is why I am having these problems. They never stopped to consider how I feel about all this. Or how I'd feel if they just tell everyone their version without even listening to mine.
The funny thing is (At least to me) that I've had health problems all my life no matter how small. I was born four months premature, I only weighed 1 pound 7 1/2 ounces when I was born, and I had a hole in my heart along with severe amount of fluid on my brain that needed to be treated with a shunt which goes into my brain to drain the fluid into my stomach. And when I got sick two years ago shortly after getting married, they never stopped to consider what happened to me when I was little. They just jumped on the fact that I stopped going to church and married outside of their faith and that I took up smoking.
I just wish they could understand how hard this is for me. I need my parents support right now and I feel like I no longer have it. They basically said that when I turned 18 and moved out that I was no longer their responsibility. I understand that, but I've pretty much been ignored by them for years. When I was ten I moved in with my step mom's parents for almost 7 years. I saw my family only once a year if that. The only good thing was that I got to spend two weeks every summer with my little sister.
Anyway, getting back on topic. I just wish there was a way to explain to everyone that I need support. Not just them asking how I am and not really caring about my answer because its always the same. I know there isn't much that anyone can say, but they could at least be there for me if I need someone to talk to.
They always make excuses to why they can't. If I really need to talk to someone, I wish they would at least PRETEND to listen so I could get it out. But No. And when they need to talk to me, they raise hell if I am unable to talk or text.
*Sigh* This is all so frustrating.
And I know its stupid to some people to think of myself as "The Sick Girl" but when your diagnosed with chronic pain and other things and it hurts just to get out of bed, it slowly gets that way.
No one really knows what to say when they find out I am still having severe pain or that I'm not getting better. And its even worse when they first find out I am ill. Most of them throw out things like "I'm sorry," and "I'm always there if you need me." but we both know they are just empty words. For most people anyway. They may want to help but when it comes down to me needing them for something, they make excuses or just ignore me because they don't know how to handle the sick girl.
Sad, but true.
Even my parents aren't very considerate of me and my feelings. They tell people what their version of my sickness is. That since I stopped going to church and started smoking and married outside the temple that that is why I am having these problems. They never stopped to consider how I feel about all this. Or how I'd feel if they just tell everyone their version without even listening to mine.
The funny thing is (At least to me) that I've had health problems all my life no matter how small. I was born four months premature, I only weighed 1 pound 7 1/2 ounces when I was born, and I had a hole in my heart along with severe amount of fluid on my brain that needed to be treated with a shunt which goes into my brain to drain the fluid into my stomach. And when I got sick two years ago shortly after getting married, they never stopped to consider what happened to me when I was little. They just jumped on the fact that I stopped going to church and married outside of their faith and that I took up smoking.
I just wish they could understand how hard this is for me. I need my parents support right now and I feel like I no longer have it. They basically said that when I turned 18 and moved out that I was no longer their responsibility. I understand that, but I've pretty much been ignored by them for years. When I was ten I moved in with my step mom's parents for almost 7 years. I saw my family only once a year if that. The only good thing was that I got to spend two weeks every summer with my little sister.
Anyway, getting back on topic. I just wish there was a way to explain to everyone that I need support. Not just them asking how I am and not really caring about my answer because its always the same. I know there isn't much that anyone can say, but they could at least be there for me if I need someone to talk to.
They always make excuses to why they can't. If I really need to talk to someone, I wish they would at least PRETEND to listen so I could get it out. But No. And when they need to talk to me, they raise hell if I am unable to talk or text.
*Sigh* This is all so frustrating.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Earliest Memory (Preschool!)
My
earliest childhood memory was when i was in preschool. We were all
sitting around playing with toys and eating our graham crackers when
suddenly the teacher starts singing 10 little witches in honor of
Halloween which was that day.
'1
little 2 little 3 little witches
4
little 5 little 6 little witches
7
little 8 little 9 little witches, 10 little witches in all!”
After
she finished singing, we all clapped and ran around singing
variations of that song at the top of our lungs. (the parts we could
remember, most of us were just screaming with delight)
Friday, October 17, 2014
Time To Move On
I have
spent too much time focusing on my illnesses and how they bring me
down and how i feel like they are ruining my life. I need to step
back from all this and start over. No more letting my illnesses
control me. Except, its easier said then done.
I have been sick for almost two
years and at first i had lots of friends and family that supported me
and tried to help me. But as time went by, they stopped calling and
checking in. And finally, it was just me and my thoughts to bring me
down. Too much time to think and let my illness take over. Soon, i
became "the sick girl" whenever anyone asked me who i was.
They all seemed so shocked that i would describe myself that way. But
I've thought of myself as the "sick girl" for a very long
time.I sit at home on the couch and watch movies and read a ton. I rarely leave my house because i rarely feel good. And when i do feel good for once, it doesn't last long enough for me too do much. But that's no excuse. Tonight is the night everything changes and i move past being the "sick girl". Tonight i stop letting my illness control me and get a grip on reality.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Music
For me
music makes everything better. It's a way of life for me. Every day
of my life can be depicted as a song from somewhere. When I'm having
a bad day, i listen to skillet. When I'm having a great day i listen
to nickelback.
Music lets me escape the world
for a while and into wherever i want to be. Music saved my life.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Interstitial Cystitis
For
those of you who know me, I was diagnosed with ic about a year and a
half ago. I still only know a fraction of what it is exactly, but I'm
still learning. You are in pain almost 24/7 but you have to suck it
up and deal with it. Because people get so tired of hearing about how
you're always in pain, that you don't feel good. So your basic
response when someone asks how you are becomes, "I'm fine,"
or "I'm okay."
Most people when I first got diagnosed were all like, "you're just doing this for attention," or "it's all in your head." When actually its not. Most people believe that unless you can see whats wrong, then it's all in your head. Us who have ic look fine on the outside, but on the inside, we're struggling. But we put a smile on our faces and do the best we can with what we've got.
Doctors know very little about ic but they are trying to do the best they can.
Basically I've heard ic being described as "all your nerves and insides are dipped in gas and set on fire." That pretty much describes what all us ic'ers go through 24/7. We may look fine on the outside, but inside, we're a mess. Our insides are on fire and messed up and cause us to become inflamed. Some days we may feel pretty good, so we try to do stuff around the house, but we end up pushing ourselves and we once again become inflamed. For me, inflammation means my pants no longer fit, I have trouble doing even the simplest tasks like cleaning the bathroom or washing dishes because my feet become swollen or hurting.
Ic can also cause more problems to develop alongside ic. There is no cure, its a life sentence of pain and finding new ways to deal with it. And if you don't have health insurance like many people with ic that I know, the doctor visits and the medication to try and help with the pain can become nearly unbearable, but we do what we have to to try and be as comfortable as we can.
I know many nights I lay awake and just stare at the ceiling because I can't get comfortable or I'm in so much pain that I can't sleep. It's just kind of a long never ending cycle. I feel great so I try to do something like clean the bathroom and I end up overdoing it and having a flare. Sometimes they last hours, but I've had flares that last weeks, where I am just laying on the couch and trying to make the pain go away.
I want you all to think for a second. Think of all your favorite foods. Pizza, pasta, chocolate, anything with even a hint of tomatoes. Now think how you'd feel if you could never eat that stuff again. Tragic right? That's what its like for me. All my favorite foods I can no longer eat. Pizza, frozen dinners, anything with any tomatoes at all, rarely any fast food. Basic home cooked meals cooked just the right way so that I don't become more inflamed. Occasionally I'll eat chocolate or chips and salsa and instantly regret it because I wake up the next day hurting so badly that it hurts to get out of bed.
When I first got diagnosed, I figured okay, its like having a utI 24/7 I can find a way to deal with it. Nope. Not like that at all. You have trouble sitting or standing for long periods of time, you get dizzy, your body seems malnourished from missing out on some of the foods your body needs.
I have met many amazing people through support groups who have helped me understand. But I have made two great friends who are also going through this and we support each other. We are far apart in place and age, but none of that matters. We are there for each other to help each other when we can with what we can. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been there for me through all this. And those who left, you've only made me stronger.
And if you read this and think this is all to get a pity party, you're so wrong. This is to get awareness of ic out there and help people understand. You don't have to have something on the outside to make you have pain. Most people with ic don't have any physical signs outside of their body.
We strive to do the best we can with the limited knowledge of ic that there is. Medications, treatments, they're all on a trial basis, just hoping that some day they will work and help you. I myself am still struggling to understand ic, with all the different types of medication and the amount of pain I deal with daily, but I have some amazing friends who help me understand and are there for me
lets get the message out there and make people aware!!!
Most people when I first got diagnosed were all like, "you're just doing this for attention," or "it's all in your head." When actually its not. Most people believe that unless you can see whats wrong, then it's all in your head. Us who have ic look fine on the outside, but on the inside, we're struggling. But we put a smile on our faces and do the best we can with what we've got.
Doctors know very little about ic but they are trying to do the best they can.
Basically I've heard ic being described as "all your nerves and insides are dipped in gas and set on fire." That pretty much describes what all us ic'ers go through 24/7. We may look fine on the outside, but inside, we're a mess. Our insides are on fire and messed up and cause us to become inflamed. Some days we may feel pretty good, so we try to do stuff around the house, but we end up pushing ourselves and we once again become inflamed. For me, inflammation means my pants no longer fit, I have trouble doing even the simplest tasks like cleaning the bathroom or washing dishes because my feet become swollen or hurting.
Ic can also cause more problems to develop alongside ic. There is no cure, its a life sentence of pain and finding new ways to deal with it. And if you don't have health insurance like many people with ic that I know, the doctor visits and the medication to try and help with the pain can become nearly unbearable, but we do what we have to to try and be as comfortable as we can.
I know many nights I lay awake and just stare at the ceiling because I can't get comfortable or I'm in so much pain that I can't sleep. It's just kind of a long never ending cycle. I feel great so I try to do something like clean the bathroom and I end up overdoing it and having a flare. Sometimes they last hours, but I've had flares that last weeks, where I am just laying on the couch and trying to make the pain go away.
I want you all to think for a second. Think of all your favorite foods. Pizza, pasta, chocolate, anything with even a hint of tomatoes. Now think how you'd feel if you could never eat that stuff again. Tragic right? That's what its like for me. All my favorite foods I can no longer eat. Pizza, frozen dinners, anything with any tomatoes at all, rarely any fast food. Basic home cooked meals cooked just the right way so that I don't become more inflamed. Occasionally I'll eat chocolate or chips and salsa and instantly regret it because I wake up the next day hurting so badly that it hurts to get out of bed.
When I first got diagnosed, I figured okay, its like having a utI 24/7 I can find a way to deal with it. Nope. Not like that at all. You have trouble sitting or standing for long periods of time, you get dizzy, your body seems malnourished from missing out on some of the foods your body needs.
I have met many amazing people through support groups who have helped me understand. But I have made two great friends who are also going through this and we support each other. We are far apart in place and age, but none of that matters. We are there for each other to help each other when we can with what we can. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been there for me through all this. And those who left, you've only made me stronger.
And if you read this and think this is all to get a pity party, you're so wrong. This is to get awareness of ic out there and help people understand. You don't have to have something on the outside to make you have pain. Most people with ic don't have any physical signs outside of their body.
We strive to do the best we can with the limited knowledge of ic that there is. Medications, treatments, they're all on a trial basis, just hoping that some day they will work and help you. I myself am still struggling to understand ic, with all the different types of medication and the amount of pain I deal with daily, but I have some amazing friends who help me understand and are there for me
lets get the message out there and make people aware!!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Silence
The
silence drones on
getting louder and louder
cover your ears
turn down the silence
turn up the noise
anything to drown out
the blasting static of silence.
The yelling, screaming, hurting
is better than endless silence
getting louder and louder
cover your ears
turn down the silence
turn up the noise
anything to drown out
the blasting static of silence.
The yelling, screaming, hurting
is better than endless silence
I'd rather be
hurting inside
then not feeling anything
noise reminds me that i
still can feel emotions
silence reminds me that I'm alone.
Silence is the enemy,
music is my friend
the music i listen to
the music i sing out loud
are the feelings i never
knew how to say until
someone else put them into words.
Turn up the music
get lost in the words
push out the silence
pull in the feelings
i buried deep in
the corners of my heart
goodbye silence, hello emotion
then not feeling anything
noise reminds me that i
still can feel emotions
silence reminds me that I'm alone.
Silence is the enemy,
music is my friend
the music i listen to
the music i sing out loud
are the feelings i never
knew how to say until
someone else put them into words.
Turn up the music
get lost in the words
push out the silence
pull in the feelings
i buried deep in
the corners of my heart
goodbye silence, hello emotion
Monday, October 13, 2014
A Girl
I’m
a girl with a fragile heart
bandaged together with care
cracks spread everywhere
in danger of shattering
treat it with care-
i only have one.
I’m a girl with trust issues
break my trust once
it’s so hard to get back
but there is hope
if you want it bad enough
you will work to earn it back.
I’m a girl who uses writing to express herself
I'm not so good with words spoken out loud
pencil and paper are my voice
my words can be few
and full of meaning
or lots of words with little meaning
I'm a girl who hates being put on the spot
when asked a question randomly
i freeze up, forget to breathe
my face burns red, my body gets warm
i stutter, trip over my words
before they turn to someone else.
I’m a girl who is protective
of her family and friends
hurt them, i come after you
hurt me, they come after you
we protect each other
you’ve been warned.
I’m a girl who smiles a lot
finds happiness in most things
even the unpleasant ones
life is full of sunshine
but also filled with rain
the way you see it is up to you
bandaged together with care
cracks spread everywhere
in danger of shattering
treat it with care-
i only have one.
I’m a girl with trust issues
break my trust once
it’s so hard to get back
but there is hope
if you want it bad enough
you will work to earn it back.
I’m a girl who uses writing to express herself
I'm not so good with words spoken out loud
pencil and paper are my voice
my words can be few
and full of meaning
or lots of words with little meaning
I'm a girl who hates being put on the spot
when asked a question randomly
i freeze up, forget to breathe
my face burns red, my body gets warm
i stutter, trip over my words
before they turn to someone else.
I’m a girl who is protective
of her family and friends
hurt them, i come after you
hurt me, they come after you
we protect each other
you’ve been warned.
I’m a girl who smiles a lot
finds happiness in most things
even the unpleasant ones
life is full of sunshine
but also filled with rain
the way you see it is up to you
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Fears
"You can't stop being afraid
just by pretending what scares you isn't there" -Michael
Marshall.
This quote strikes close to home with me. For years I ran from my problems. Or, tried to. I thought if I stopped thinking about it or talking about it, that they would go away or that I could convince myself that I imagined it.
I have severe anxiety and a lot of things made me have panic attacks. Even the little things like I forgot to do something or that I think I forgot to lock up the house when I left. I can't stop thinking about it until I get home and check. It makes me a nervous wreck.
I have a lot of things that I am afraid of. Some justified and some that are just ridiculous. My biggest thing lately with all the stress and me being sick is that I am so scared to sleep without my husband at least being in the house with me. So when he goes to work I get so scared of someone breaking in or getting hurt that I stay up all day till he gets home then crash in bed because since I've gotten sick I've been super exhausted.
I've been "sick" for almost two years. I got diagnosed with my one problem right after I got married and then slowly I keep getting more sick and with more illnesses. And the hardest part isn't the doctors, or the tests, or medications. It's the fact that I rarely leave the house unless I go shopping for food or whatever else I have to do. So with that comes losing the ability to be social. Okay, not losing the ability, just... Out of practice.
I rarely leave my house other than mostly doctor appointments. And I don't have any friends that come visit very often. So when I do go out with my friends or try and make new ones it's very hard for me. I don't know how to have a normal conversation that doesn't sound like I'm complaining or making it all about me.
It's hard to admit but, I seem to just complain lately to anyone who will listen about how much my life sucks in my eyes. When in reality, my life is the best it can be. I just need to let go of the past and focus on getting better and coping with what I struggle with.
And learning to face my fears no matter how ridiculous they may be. Once I do that, maybe I can start moving forward and keep moving forward instead of one step forward and three steps back.
I just need to believe in myself.
This quote strikes close to home with me. For years I ran from my problems. Or, tried to. I thought if I stopped thinking about it or talking about it, that they would go away or that I could convince myself that I imagined it.
I have severe anxiety and a lot of things made me have panic attacks. Even the little things like I forgot to do something or that I think I forgot to lock up the house when I left. I can't stop thinking about it until I get home and check. It makes me a nervous wreck.
I have a lot of things that I am afraid of. Some justified and some that are just ridiculous. My biggest thing lately with all the stress and me being sick is that I am so scared to sleep without my husband at least being in the house with me. So when he goes to work I get so scared of someone breaking in or getting hurt that I stay up all day till he gets home then crash in bed because since I've gotten sick I've been super exhausted.
I've been "sick" for almost two years. I got diagnosed with my one problem right after I got married and then slowly I keep getting more sick and with more illnesses. And the hardest part isn't the doctors, or the tests, or medications. It's the fact that I rarely leave the house unless I go shopping for food or whatever else I have to do. So with that comes losing the ability to be social. Okay, not losing the ability, just... Out of practice.
I rarely leave my house other than mostly doctor appointments. And I don't have any friends that come visit very often. So when I do go out with my friends or try and make new ones it's very hard for me. I don't know how to have a normal conversation that doesn't sound like I'm complaining or making it all about me.
It's hard to admit but, I seem to just complain lately to anyone who will listen about how much my life sucks in my eyes. When in reality, my life is the best it can be. I just need to let go of the past and focus on getting better and coping with what I struggle with.
And learning to face my fears no matter how ridiculous they may be. Once I do that, maybe I can start moving forward and keep moving forward instead of one step forward and three steps back.
I just need to believe in myself.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
What People With Chronic Illness DO Want To Hear
I thought i would share this
amazing article with you all. I suffer from chronic pain and other
illnesses. And this article is straight on. And worded perfectly.
Enjoy!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201207/what-those-chronic-pain-or-illness-do-want-hear
Friday, October 10, 2014
Discrimination
I've seen it everywhere i look.
people being discriminated for who they are, what they wear, if they
are pregnant or married young. so many different reason. but, more
recently, I've seen and heard people being discriminated for having
mental and physical illnesses
It's not our fault we are sick. we didn't chose to have this happen to us. it just did. For me, most people when they find out i am ill, they always say one of two things, "you don't look sick," or "you're just doing this for attention." And that really hurts because most people think you need to have some sort of physical sign outside of your body in order to be ill.
It seems that no matter where we go, people will always judge and discriminate us between them. They always think we are different or weird. But the truth is, we are just like everyone else. We all make mistakes and we all judge people. Sometimes without even thinking.
I've also seen people being treated like crap because of what religion they belong to, or who they are dating. I mean, come on. it's their life. not yours. You don't get to decide what they do with their lives. I mean, what if someone said you couldn't have this religion or you couldn't date this person? You'd learn fast how to treat someone with respect.
People of today make me sigh.
It's not our fault we are sick. we didn't chose to have this happen to us. it just did. For me, most people when they find out i am ill, they always say one of two things, "you don't look sick," or "you're just doing this for attention." And that really hurts because most people think you need to have some sort of physical sign outside of your body in order to be ill.
It seems that no matter where we go, people will always judge and discriminate us between them. They always think we are different or weird. But the truth is, we are just like everyone else. We all make mistakes and we all judge people. Sometimes without even thinking.
I've also seen people being treated like crap because of what religion they belong to, or who they are dating. I mean, come on. it's their life. not yours. You don't get to decide what they do with their lives. I mean, what if someone said you couldn't have this religion or you couldn't date this person? You'd learn fast how to treat someone with respect.
People of today make me sigh.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Nothing Is What It Seems
The sun peeks
over the mountain
the dew on the grass
makes everything glitter
the cool air nips at my heels
as i watch the sun rise.
Beautiful picture, right?
But not everything is what it seems
once the sun goes down
everything changes
nothing is the same.
The darkness brings out
the things the light was hiding
the light conceals the bad things
in darkness everything comes out
nothing can stay hidden.
the dew on the grass
makes everything glitter
the cool air nips at my heels
as i watch the sun rise.
Beautiful picture, right?
But not everything is what it seems
once the sun goes down
everything changes
nothing is the same.
The darkness brings out
the things the light was hiding
the light conceals the bad things
in darkness everything comes out
nothing can stay hidden.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Changes
Over the past ten years, my whole
life has changed and most of the credit goes to my grandma. She
raised me from the time I was ten till I was seventeen.
In the beginning, I was an angry kid, always yelling and destroying everything that I could just because I wanted to see how far I could push her before she's send me back to my parents. Lying, stealing, hiding alone in my room. Blasting music just because I wanted to. And later, later is the part I regret most of all. I spent many months over the space of four years in and out of a mental hospital for teens. I was depressed and had attempted suicide multiple times for the stupidest reasons that I no longer remember.
Little did I know, I'd come to regret those early years every day for the rest of my life.
When I finally saw that she was amazing and only wanted what was best for me, I felt so much regret for the things that I had done and the things that I had said. And the worst part? We may have gotten past it all and forgiven each other, but now she's going away for good and I can't take it back. I have time to make things right with her before she passes away. I am grateful for that, but I really don't know how I will make it without her. She helped me so much in just this past year with everything that has been happening. My life, my marriage, and just anything that I needed. And it kills me to think that I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her for advice anymore.
She jokes to try and lighten the mood when we are together, but it just makes it harder.
In the beginning, I was an angry kid, always yelling and destroying everything that I could just because I wanted to see how far I could push her before she's send me back to my parents. Lying, stealing, hiding alone in my room. Blasting music just because I wanted to. And later, later is the part I regret most of all. I spent many months over the space of four years in and out of a mental hospital for teens. I was depressed and had attempted suicide multiple times for the stupidest reasons that I no longer remember.
Little did I know, I'd come to regret those early years every day for the rest of my life.
When I finally saw that she was amazing and only wanted what was best for me, I felt so much regret for the things that I had done and the things that I had said. And the worst part? We may have gotten past it all and forgiven each other, but now she's going away for good and I can't take it back. I have time to make things right with her before she passes away. I am grateful for that, but I really don't know how I will make it without her. She helped me so much in just this past year with everything that has been happening. My life, my marriage, and just anything that I needed. And it kills me to think that I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her for advice anymore.
She jokes to try and lighten the mood when we are together, but it just makes it harder.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Different Life
Looking back on my life and some
of the things I went through, it almost seems like it was another
time ago. And what most people fail to realize is that I am no longer
that person. I've pushed passed it and become something better.
I may have changed, yes, since my illnesses and everything, but that doesn't mean that I am in any way shape or form the person I used to be.
My life has had its normal ups and downs, with some traumatic moments shoved in, but it has made me stronger in more ways then I can say. I no longer think of myself as not good enough, not smart enough. I see myself for who I was, but also the changes I made to become who I am now. And I couldn't be prouder and happier for the person I am right now.
I just take it one day at a time and maybe someday, I will be everything I never though possible.
I may have changed, yes, since my illnesses and everything, but that doesn't mean that I am in any way shape or form the person I used to be.
My life has had its normal ups and downs, with some traumatic moments shoved in, but it has made me stronger in more ways then I can say. I no longer think of myself as not good enough, not smart enough. I see myself for who I was, but also the changes I made to become who I am now. And I couldn't be prouder and happier for the person I am right now.
I just take it one day at a time and maybe someday, I will be everything I never though possible.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Wish You Could Stay
As I sit here, thinking back to my
childhood and the words that have been playing in my head for two
days on a constant loop, I feel like this is all a dream and if I
don't talk about it, maybe it won't happen. Maybe this is all just a
really bad dream and i'll wake up and everything will be okay.
Two days ago I found out in the worst way (at least to me at the time), that my grandma's breast cancer came back. This time it's overtaken her lungs and liver. I don't even remember what I was doing, but I got a text from my friend asking if I heard about my grandma. I told them that I just talked to her but I don't know what they mean. Then they proceeded to tell me that she has breast cancer and only has three to six months to live.
So of course I told them to stop lying to me and that our friendship is over if they are lying. I called my grandma and she said it was true. That she was hoping to tell me before someone else did. But she told me she accepted it and that I shouldn't be sad. Right now, I guess I am in denial. That she won't die if I don't become okay with this or if I don't talk about it. Foolish, I know.
Recently we started talking every day. Mainly I call her with random thoughts or questions. It really hit me tonight that soon I won't be able to do that anymore. Every time I have a question about anything I ask her, not my mom. And now when she goes, I won't have anyone to talk to about the random things I think about.
She's been like a third mom to me (my birth mom is out of my life and my dad remarried so I have a second mom) since I was ten years old, I lived with her till my seventeenth birthday before moving back in with my step mom and dad. I have so many memories of those years I spent with her. A lot of little things. But i've been told that it's the little things that matter.
I'm just trying to accept this like she has, but I have no idea how to start. I guess it's true that you never realize what you have till it's gone. But she's not gone. She's still here for as long as her cancer lets her. But I realize now how badly I treated her in those years I lived with her. And I can't take it back. I just have to learn to deal with it. Things got a lot better near the end of the time I lived with her, but it never really got better until I moved away, then moved back after graduation and got married. Then I had a traumatic experience and since then we've talked daily.
This is just so hard. I can't seem to stop being upset. And I know I only learned about it a few days ago, but at the same time, I feel like I won't ever be able to get over losing her. We've been through a lot together when I lived with her and even when I moved back and the things I went through, she was there. I really wish she could be okay again and stay around for a long time. I'm really gonna miss her. More than anyone knows. I love you, grandma.
Two days ago I found out in the worst way (at least to me at the time), that my grandma's breast cancer came back. This time it's overtaken her lungs and liver. I don't even remember what I was doing, but I got a text from my friend asking if I heard about my grandma. I told them that I just talked to her but I don't know what they mean. Then they proceeded to tell me that she has breast cancer and only has three to six months to live.
So of course I told them to stop lying to me and that our friendship is over if they are lying. I called my grandma and she said it was true. That she was hoping to tell me before someone else did. But she told me she accepted it and that I shouldn't be sad. Right now, I guess I am in denial. That she won't die if I don't become okay with this or if I don't talk about it. Foolish, I know.
Recently we started talking every day. Mainly I call her with random thoughts or questions. It really hit me tonight that soon I won't be able to do that anymore. Every time I have a question about anything I ask her, not my mom. And now when she goes, I won't have anyone to talk to about the random things I think about.
She's been like a third mom to me (my birth mom is out of my life and my dad remarried so I have a second mom) since I was ten years old, I lived with her till my seventeenth birthday before moving back in with my step mom and dad. I have so many memories of those years I spent with her. A lot of little things. But i've been told that it's the little things that matter.
I'm just trying to accept this like she has, but I have no idea how to start. I guess it's true that you never realize what you have till it's gone. But she's not gone. She's still here for as long as her cancer lets her. But I realize now how badly I treated her in those years I lived with her. And I can't take it back. I just have to learn to deal with it. Things got a lot better near the end of the time I lived with her, but it never really got better until I moved away, then moved back after graduation and got married. Then I had a traumatic experience and since then we've talked daily.
This is just so hard. I can't seem to stop being upset. And I know I only learned about it a few days ago, but at the same time, I feel like I won't ever be able to get over losing her. We've been through a lot together when I lived with her and even when I moved back and the things I went through, she was there. I really wish she could be okay again and stay around for a long time. I'm really gonna miss her. More than anyone knows. I love you, grandma.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
I'm Always There For You... Or Not
Before I got sick, everyone always
said they'd be there for me though thick and thin, no matter what.
That we'd always be friends that they'd always be my siblings, or i'd
always be their daughter, that we'd always do things together and
never grow apart. Well I've learned in the past year and a half, that
people lie. Maybe not to hurt you, but they can't keep promises they
made years ago. And that's just something I have come to accept as
hard as that may be at times.
For the past year and half I have suffered from many health and mental problems. Now, you can laugh and point fingers, but that won't help you any. I no longer care what people think of me. Since I was diagnosed with some pretty serious health issues, I've become kind of a shut in. Partly because I cannot do what I used to, and partly because I chose to be alone then have fake friends who are only around to make themselves look good helping "the sick girl,".
I have many limitations and restrictions because of my health. I want you to think of all your favorite foods. Pizza, pasta, chili, salad, tomatoes, chocolate. Now I want you to think of how you'd feel never being able to eat those things again. That's how life is for me now. A special diet so I don't get sicker and have my body become swollen and inflamed. And don't forget the almost unbearable pain 24/7 and more infections then I care to count. And that's only the start of my illnesses. But that's not something you'd care to hear.
Well, where are you now? What happened to "I'm always there for you no matter what."? Oh right, when I got sick, you were there. But the more time that went by and the more times I rain checked going out, the more you stopped calling, stopped checking in and before I knew it, that was it. No more calls or you to even check in once a month if that. You were just gone. All because I got sick and you couldn't handle me not going out and being the person I used to be. And I found out much later that you were only there near the end because it made you look good helping "the sick girl". Hanging out with me, doing what my limitations would allow day to day. Well guess what? I don't need you here anymore. I've learned to be strong again. And this time, I'm stronger because of me. Because of what I go through. Its changed me. But you know what? I think its for the better. I know what is important and for the first time in my life, I'm putting me first. It was always everyone first and then if I had time, I'd help myself. But now it's my turn. Time for me to be who I am and focus on dealing with the life that has been harshly handed to me.
You may hate that its no longer you first. But guess what? Illnesses change people. Not because we want to change, but because sometimes to deal with what's going on, the best way is to change, to become someone different. Someone who is stronger and can deal with everything.
For the past year and half I have suffered from many health and mental problems. Now, you can laugh and point fingers, but that won't help you any. I no longer care what people think of me. Since I was diagnosed with some pretty serious health issues, I've become kind of a shut in. Partly because I cannot do what I used to, and partly because I chose to be alone then have fake friends who are only around to make themselves look good helping "the sick girl,".
I have many limitations and restrictions because of my health. I want you to think of all your favorite foods. Pizza, pasta, chili, salad, tomatoes, chocolate. Now I want you to think of how you'd feel never being able to eat those things again. That's how life is for me now. A special diet so I don't get sicker and have my body become swollen and inflamed. And don't forget the almost unbearable pain 24/7 and more infections then I care to count. And that's only the start of my illnesses. But that's not something you'd care to hear.
Well, where are you now? What happened to "I'm always there for you no matter what."? Oh right, when I got sick, you were there. But the more time that went by and the more times I rain checked going out, the more you stopped calling, stopped checking in and before I knew it, that was it. No more calls or you to even check in once a month if that. You were just gone. All because I got sick and you couldn't handle me not going out and being the person I used to be. And I found out much later that you were only there near the end because it made you look good helping "the sick girl". Hanging out with me, doing what my limitations would allow day to day. Well guess what? I don't need you here anymore. I've learned to be strong again. And this time, I'm stronger because of me. Because of what I go through. Its changed me. But you know what? I think its for the better. I know what is important and for the first time in my life, I'm putting me first. It was always everyone first and then if I had time, I'd help myself. But now it's my turn. Time for me to be who I am and focus on dealing with the life that has been harshly handed to me.
You may hate that its no longer you first. But guess what? Illnesses change people. Not because we want to change, but because sometimes to deal with what's going on, the best way is to change, to become someone different. Someone who is stronger and can deal with everything.
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