Most people when asked how well they know me, will say my favorite colors, my favorite band or favorite food. But when it comes to how well they REALLY know me and my life, most will just shrug and look away. You may think you know who i am, but really, no one does. Not the "sick" part anyway. Since I got sick, I've kind of become a shut in. Rarely leaving my house, stopped being social, stopped answering texts and phone calls.
And I know its stupid to some people to think of myself as "The Sick Girl" but when your diagnosed with chronic pain and other things and it hurts just to get out of bed, it slowly gets that way.
No one really knows what to say when they find out I am still having severe pain or that I'm not getting better. And its even worse when they first find out I am ill. Most of them throw out things like "I'm sorry," and "I'm always there if you need me." but we both know they are just empty words. For most people anyway. They may want to help but when it comes down to me needing them for something, they make excuses or just ignore me because they don't know how to handle the sick girl.
Sad, but true.
Even my parents aren't very considerate of me and my feelings. They tell people what their version of my sickness is. That since I stopped going to church and started smoking and married outside the temple that that is why I am having these problems. They never stopped to consider how I feel about all this. Or how I'd feel if they just tell everyone their version without even listening to mine.
The funny thing is (At least to me) that I've had health problems all my life no matter how small. I was born four months premature, I only weighed 1 pound 7 1/2 ounces when I was born, and I had a hole in my heart along with severe amount of fluid on my brain that needed to be treated with a shunt which goes into my brain to drain the fluid into my stomach. And when I got sick two years ago shortly after getting married, they never stopped to consider what happened to me when I was little. They just jumped on the fact that I stopped going to church and married outside of their faith and that I took up smoking.
I just wish they could understand how hard this is for me. I need my parents support right now and I feel like I no longer have it. They basically said that when I turned 18 and moved out that I was no longer their responsibility. I understand that, but I've pretty much been ignored by them for years. When I was ten I moved in with my step mom's parents for almost 7 years. I saw my family only once a year if that. The only good thing was that I got to spend two weeks every summer with my little sister.
Anyway, getting back on topic. I just wish there was a way to explain to everyone that I need support. Not just them asking how I am and not really caring about my answer because its always the same. I know there isn't much that anyone can say, but they could at least be there for me if I need someone to talk to.
They always make excuses to why they can't. If I really need to talk to someone, I wish they would at least PRETEND to listen so I could get it out. But No. And when they need to talk to me, they raise hell if I am unable to talk or text.
*Sigh* This is all so frustrating.
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